greetings. it’s been a spell. things have changed. greatly. time to spill on it a bit. I won’t overshare… but you’ll get the gist of it via my verbiage. i’m reading oscar wilde again.. the picture of dorian gray. my all time fave. it corrupted my tender psyche years ago, and it will do so again. my daughter desperately wants to read it, but mostly because I’ve told her she cannot do so until she is eighteen. a quote: ‘I want the dead lovers of the world to hear our laughter, and grow sad. I want a breath of our passion to stir their dust into consciousness, to wake their ashes into pain.’ the book is riddled with beauty and thick loveliness… I long to fall into its pages and take long naps on rich, burgundy velvet bedding. enough about the book. enter a changed, but still genuine me. let’s talk about it. i’m single now. I modified my equation this past may. I did the hard work. my kiddos did the hard work. we can do hard things. i’m proud of us… proud of me. I can now be a more genuine version of myself. my happy is a more authentic happy. it’s an inside job. i’m on it… daily. who am i? listen up yo. my motive is to draw from people. allow them to seep into me. let their personalities recreate a new mode of thought and expression. some I see nothing in, some too much. people are funny that way. I know pretty quickly and act accordingly. i’m perceptive af. I find balance extraordinary, and absolutely necessary. a useful passion is priceless. a useless passion even more so. having zero passion is a deal breaker. I broke said deal, in fact. I loathe dull people. first time blogging about it actually, but the dread became unbearable, the gray, all consuming. I watched my light begin to flicker, and I grew absolutely terrified. he never even noticed the fear. no longer could I allow my soul to be under the microscope of such blindness and misguided opinions. did you ever dedicate time to someone or something, only to reach the sad, long, drawn out conclusion of “it’s hopeless.” so heart breaking. in particular when the time spent nears two decades. tis life. time is a gift. I do not enjoy wasting it. I absolutely adore meaningful exchanges, and engage as often as I can with friends and family. I love flattering others, if it’s warranted…. and often find strange pleasure in saying things I know I will regret. but the rawness of it… it’s irresistible. if someone has pleased you, be it words, or touch, or a gift… tell them. don’t wait. worse still, don’t ever assume they know your gratitude. expression is essential to a happy life. be with someone who loves to hear about all the fantastical ideas in your head. be with someone who loves sharing their soul AND their body, on equal levels. for the two should never be separated. to do so is mad. I want a lover and a friend. (isn’t that a song lyric? LOL) truly, I do. someone who can set their heart right in the middle of the dinner table next to the bottle of red we’re sharing and our kiddos glasses of milk. no games, no drama, just real as real can be…. real AF. ready to grab some happiness every day. somedays your hands will be more full than others. somedays your hands are empty… but if thoughts, feels and daydreams were matter and tangible… you’d need a basket. I see things differently than most. i’m a bit intense at times. there is no lack of imagination, but still desire to be taken seriously. I do not long to be the adornment on ones coat… but the whole damn coat itself… purposeful and necessary and desired for optimal comfort. I bore at tedious, but will endure if I see a light or a prize at the end. I am in love with love. with a warm embrace, the bad of the day can be washed away. this I believe. have you ever been in the comfort of someone’s arms, and it felt so perfect and so god damn right that you wanted to curl up and remain? I have. recently actually. it caught me off guard. I’ve started dating again. a small handful… and all very different… (well, two of them can juggle LOL) it’s fun, and a bit scary. i’m trying to have fun with it and not take it too seriously…. while staying true to myself and knowing who and what my end game looks like. it looks like comfort. it looks like the black and white insert in a picture frame. it’s full of love and respect. it’s full of acceptance. it’s a blended family. it’s loud at dinner time, but a shared knowing glance for what comes later. it’s packing lunches and managing schedules and taking hikes and snow sledding and going out for ice cream and planning summer and winter vacations. it’s four kids plus four of their friends and music thumping through the house and sleepovers and making 28 pancakes the next morning. it’s taking sick days for sick kiddos. it’s quiet nights at a favorite restaurant, or walking through the door with take out and craft beer sixers. it’s sharing your most intimate thoughts and fears. dreaming together. opening yourself up to be discovered without fear of critique. it’s taking a risk when you’re terrified. it’s leaving your comfort zone behind every now and again and overcoming obstacles together. never needing… but always wanting. NEED is a strong word, with a fuck ton of pressure… and peril in the periphery. I would never want anyone to NEED me. now WANT me morning, noon and night. giddy up. I can get on top of that shit.
so life is lighter now. (understatement of the year) I have my own little place. it’s so cute I want to punch it in the face. I knew I had to have it about three minutes into the tour. my poor realtor. she saw me light up as if there was an aura around me. it’s an adorable little plum purple arts and crafts bungalow… and I firmly believe that the universe led me here. here’s the rub: (lol, a guy I dated said that, and i’m hooked on it now) (he also said ACES and liked ALL the same music as me… but the timing was off for us- and that timing can be a real motherfucker.) anyway… here’s the rub. the owner lived here for 26 yrs. her initials were KLS. mine were SLK. (maidens for us both) she moved here when her kids were 11 and 9, as did I. she left her marriage and her A frame home that she lived in for ten years… AS DID I. she poured her heart and soul into that A frame and it killed her to leave it. same same. she left a man who made her feel small and who never fully appreciated all that she was. same same. crazy right? we are both hopeless free spirits with hippie souls and madly creative and strong willed women. the house knew I needed to live in and love on it…. and here I sit. having dropped crazy attention on it already in a short four months, including a name. LITTLE PURPLE BUNGALOW. I know. this is my life now… and i’m embracing the pace.
even still, life is confusing sometimes. timing is everything. synchronicity baby. you can work magic, do the time and connect… and someone from the past can come out of left field at the last minute and shoot that shit down like gangbusters. trust in yourself, trust in the process, and be open to what comes next. a last quote from The Picture of Dorian Gray… ” the aim of life is self development. to realize one’s nature perfectly– that is what each of us is here for. people are afraid of themselves nowadays. the have forgotten the highest of all duties, the duty that one owes to one’s self. their own souls starve… and are naked.”
I hear music… it stirs me as do words. there is magic in both. words beautiful words. I shall shoot my arrow into the sky and see if it hits my mark. that is all.
peace and love. spags.