new year, new me right? wrong. truthfully, i’ve always disliked that saying. to me, it indicates you’ve saved a bunch of positive changes for the turn of a calendar page. beat. often times, on the treadmill of life… we tend to adopt a ‘future’ mindset. across the board… “oh once the kids are older i’m going to leave him”… “next week i’m going to start eating better and join a gym”… “i need to start writing again someday”… “i need to get clean” … the list goes on. trouble is, next week turns into next month, and there you are at the change of a season again with the earth making headway around the sun… and you, left standing still. it’s worth noting, there is never a ‘perfect’ time for anything. the sooner the better. tomorrow may never come. recently i read a brilliant quote: today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. i cannot recall anything ever making more sense to me. whatever you seek to change or tackle… try to start NOW. even if today is simply writing about it or forming a plan. get it down, get the mental ducks lining up… organize those thoughts and flip those switches. ok so let me sidebar here for a minute: i want to be clear that i am in no way a wellness guru or life coach… although wow, both of those career paths are insanely attractive to me, and i find myself gravitating more toward that type of occupation as medicine becomes more about the almighty dollar and insurance big business. sorry, yes, i said it. it’s becoming so bad, it embarrasses me at times to be in medicine. nursing is not what it used to be. nevertheless, it’s my right now, and writing remains a passion. hence this blog outlet. so as i scribble and jot thoughts, ideas and feels on paper for days on end… sometimes when i gather them into paragraph form, they sound preachy. then comes the fun of finessing them and applying them to real world situations to create a story of sorts… so my readers can apply them to something they may be dealing with in their own lives at the moment. on a personal level… i remain single and dating, with a lot of free time afforded by my three day a week nursing gig. my job is also one that i do not have to think about when i’m away from work, so my time is truly, my time, allowing me to be fully present in the moment. days can be a blank slate more often than not. this is a blessing and a curse at times. so to prevent myself from being bored or falling into a tailspin of loneliness when i crave the company of a significant other, i’ve been throwing myself into fitness and self care routines… mind, body and spirit. funny enough, it actually carries through to my interactions with friends and mates, and i am finding that i have more to offer because of it. i bring more to the table so to speak, and conversely, i tend to tolerate less BS and negativity from folks i’m dating. it’s the quintessential “know your worth” adage. it’s walking away from things that don’t elevate you or enhance your life. i’ve recently been done so wrong by a mate, it left my head spinning. total mindf*ck… and it took me a solid week to pick it apart and try to understand the psychology behind the why. hard fact: sometimes people’s traumas are so deep, they will sabotage things that feel too healthy because they are waiting for the other shoe to fall or do not believe they are worthy of the love and beauty you plate up for them. it’s a tragic thing to witness. this personal tidbit leads me, in a round about way, into the dish sesh i’m about to throw down. i think about how important it is to work on ourselves, our traumas, our insecurities… before we project them onto others when dating. it’s been said that until you truly love yourself, that door remains closed to someone else… and i believe the shit outta that. i’ve witnessed it. hell i lived it for fifteen years in a marriage. it’s so draining. ok onward to some thoughts and life stuffs.
i’ve found that words are useless without an action. they’re just words, longing for motion to latch onto. ok so maybe you make a post, make a statement, lay out some feels for a mini declaration… and then you stick to the usual scripted routine. whether it’s the bad habit of sabotaging your sleep each night by scrolling and trolling facebook, we all do it when we should instead be paring down for the night… or the pantry full of oreos and pringles when you desire to improve your eating habits. in general, our intentions are good. it’s the follow through that snags our pants. set out to be your own damn role model. screw societal influence. give yourself something to hold onto that you, yourself have created. discover things about yourself you didn’t know. random examples: ‘holy hell i can walk three miles and my doggie loves it!’ or: ‘wow i am really good at helping people overome obstacles!’ try to stop using self limiting words and behaviors. always… never… need… can’t. those words matter, because they create rigidity. they matter because they indicate a predicted outcome. instead, flip the script. create an atmosphere of possibility and start to swim in it. repeat positive things about yourself and watch your power awaken. be passionate even when behind a closed door, alone. own you. but know this: if you’re doing it right, everyone is gonna get a different version and element of your being. you are a beautiful and dynamic human… so be malleable. be manipulative. not in a bad way… in the BEST way. some parts of me would turn off some folks. those same parts may light up and create a glow in others. read the room and act accordingly. i’m not suggesting you put on a show, but life is, indeed, a play. we are all actors in a general sense. never lose yourself in the song and dance. it’s ok to be fascinated.. and fascinating… but don’t sell your core values for anyone or anything. let the most ridiculous people and actions be your teachers. learn from them. that heartbreak, sure it sucked, but at least now you know what you DON’T want. try to be awake every moment. forgiveness is so important, and a key element to full awakening. you don’t have to forget.. but seek to forgive. otherwise you become a prisoner in your own mind and that hate you harbor becomes an unruly inmate with the potential to start a riot at any given time. free that inmate with forgiveness. have the hard conversation. even if it takes three hours. try to replace hate with understanding and compassion. those energies are lovely and amazing. transforming really. forgiveness has the power to squash negative emotions. be real with yourself. you’re not going to be the next mother fucking theresa or ghandi, but you can empower yourself with small changes that truly create what and how you think. we can only control and understand ourselves. we try to understand others, but honestly… their actions are based on a series of battles they’ve waged that we know very little about. so start in your mind and go to your heart. write down how you feel and things that trigger you as they occur. take note of all the ‘tests‘ you encounter throughout your day. accept that you cannot change him/her/this/that… but you can change the way you react. we all make mistakes. we all fall from grace. we all react inappropriately at times. the stock is in paying attention to these reactions and getting better at walking away from situations that don’t serve us. situations and people that zap our energy and shine. getting better at selecting the people, ideas and information we expose ourselves to so freely each day with the swipe of a fingertip. be picky when turning on that vacancy sign. tip: it’s looking in the mirror and smiling, saying “hey beautiful… i see you.”
all these feet on fire... heavy are your eyes, and the weight on your shoulders. chasing after time... something you can't touch, but you know when it's over. don't control.... when you're running blind... all we know, is what we've left behind. darlin' you gotta keep breathin... lose yourself in the feelin... just be slow. just be slow. take it back to that moment... before you start to feel broken. just be slow.... just be slow. ~Harrison Storm - be slow